Retirement –
Thoughts on Love and Domestic Bliss
This is a somewhat different
reflection on retirement. In some ways, it might be more appropriate to start
the title with the word ‘marriage.’ It might also be more appropriate to place
it then in my blog, Reflections from Lulu Island, as it is really more personal
than to do with psychiatry or my (mostly past) professional life. However, that
is where I have been writing about retirement, so that is where it will go.
However, the thoughts expressed
come from a place of retirement for me. It might be different for you. I also
realize this piece might not resonate for those among us who might never have
experienced the type of love for another person I am writing about, let alone
marriage. My apologies to you. You might still find the blog has something of
value for you though. If nothing else, you might learn more about what love,
marriage and retirement can be. There might be something here for your friends
who are married and/or retired.
If you have ever been ‘in love,’
what was the one thing you wanted to do? Be with this other person as much as
possible, right? In the past, you tried to be physically together. This is
still true, but the telephone which helped bring you together in the past, or
writing letters if you go even farther back! has now been added to by internet
and texting connection.
Now, we know this can be
overdone. That’s the way it is with everything in life is it not? You need
balance. As we say, ‘you can have too much of a good thing.’ When you spend too
much time together, sometimes one party begins to feel they are not being
respected for being a person in their own right. They might feel suffocated. This
is true when one partner is overly possessive, which often arises from
insecurity or a need to control, which can, in turn, have its roots in the
former. These things do lead to the end of a relationship if the perpetrator
can’t change and sometimes that is the best thing for the victim.
*******
Got interrupted by life there –
went to do a few things including a long walk on some errands. Also, had some
negative words from the other half in the interval – kind of discouragingly the
opposite to what I wanted to write about. But I will carry on. That’s part of
the point.
*******
True love and a strong marriage
are not weakened by the odd negative exchange, argument or even fight. Are we a
perfect couple? By no means. But we have made a commitment and we stick by it.
It’s almost 41 years since our wedding, not to mention the 18 months’ courtship
that preceded it.
So, and here is where retirement
comes in – I now get to spend more time on average with my beloved than since
before we were married! Is it too much? No. We have long ago established our
own places in our home to which we go when we don’t need to be together. We are
both independent enough to be quite happy with that. Perhaps that maturity
comes in part from the fact that we were 27 and 30 when we got married – me being
the elder. We already had considerable life experience and independence by that
time.
But I don’t stay in my den {aka
master bedroom/office] all the time. You can only sit at a desk or putter in one
room for so long. Indeed, it’s not good for your health to sit too long, especially
in front of a computer screen. You’ve got to move once in a while. Even your
bowels depend on that ( : There are other things to do and places to go as well.
And every so often, I get a call
from the other’s place to the effect of, “Lorne, I need some help.” I stop what
I am doing, which often means keying in ‘save’ on the computer, and answer the
call. It often means help with getting ready for a meal or with some form of food
preparation. You see, we make a lot of our own food. This is because it is both
healthier and less expensive. We even bake. And we entertain more than most
nowadays so there are those meals to prepare, as well as for the pot-luck
parties and picnics we go to. You will rarely see a tin can or paper box of
prepared food in our house, much less a package of frozen grocery. The only freezer we have is at the bottom of
the fridge anyway, although in winter our balcony becomes a cold storage place
too.
The benefit? I am learning to prepare
more foods, from baking a turkey to cookies. That’s only fair, as I am the ‘cookie
monster’ around here now that the kids are long grown and gone – 38 and 33 this
year!
But the real benefit? I get to spend
more time with the one I love. Is it perfect? No. I still get accused of asking
too many questions and my defense is that the communication coming my way is
too often incomplete because my beloved is already a step ahead of me in the
process (or even father ahead – she’s a great planner and organizer). But she
can’t multi-task, so no questions when she’s busy. And me, with my ADHD traits,
well, I just never seem to stop those impulsive questions. Sigh.
Still, I am happier when I am ‘helping’
her (And I thought Eve was made to help Adam LOL) than so often the case otherwise.
It’s my priority. We are spending time together. That’s what you want to do
when you love someone. There’s nothing better than the feeling of having accomplished
something together too. Is that domestic bliss? Works for me! How about you?
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