Child Development Chapter I - So, You Want to Have a Baby?

So, something is stirring inside of you. Your thoughts are turning towards the possibility of bringing a child into the world, of having a baby. Now, let me establish a point right here at the beginning. Many people might think that it is mainly or even only women that have these thoughts. I think sometimes men do as well. However, for the sake of clarity of discussion, as I do believe it is mostly those who have the potential to be a mother that first face the questions that follow, I will write this as though I am speaking to a member of the female sex. If the situation arises where there is something that needs to be addressed by the male, the father, I will make that clear at that point.

Another clarification that I want to make right here also is that this chapter is written for those who are thinking about having a baby. In other words, they are thinking about or making plans. As you can well imagine, particularly if you are in that situation, it is entirely different if you realize that you are pregnant and had not planned it. That is going to be dealt with in the next chapter. Having said that, it doesn't mean that if you are in that ‘boat,’ you can't read this chapter too. There could be something of value here as well.

So, potential mother-to-be - how does the idea of having a baby make you feel? Excited? Warm and fuzzy? Maybe your feelings are mixed? There might be some anxiety there?

First of all though, when you think of having a child, what comes to mind when you look into the future? What do you see for this child? What do you want for this child?

I am sure one of the first answers to those questions for most if not all of you would be that you want the best for this child. But what does that mean? Wonderful, warm, loving home with two parents? A fully decked-out baby room? Or are you thinking more of you and the baby, what it would be like to have a baby? Are you thinking about what you can give to the baby and what your relationship will be with this child? Do you think you can give it your best? Is your dream of "best" an ideal or is it realistic? What determines that?

Perhaps we need to, as is sometimes said, go back to the drawing board. What is it that is stirring inside you that makes you think you want a baby, that now is the time? Do you feel you have grown up and matured to the point where you believe you know what a baby needs? Do you believe that you can provide that?

Are you looking for that little person on whom you can lavish all your love? That is not a bad dream. Some would say that is why The Creator made this world and told the first man and woman that what he/she wanted of them was to reproduce and fill the earth. The Creator who is often described as Love has so much love to give that he wants more people to share it with and to experience it.

However, we are not The Creator. Our love is not perfect. Sometimes what we think of as love doesn't totally come from the right place. Our intentions might be right. However, sometimes, if we are honest with ourselves and know ourselves, we might have to admit that we "want somebody to love" because we have had problems receiving from and giving love to everyone else. It seems to us that if we had a baby, with whom we could start a relationship from square one, we could end up with something mutually satisfying that would fill those unmet needs stirring within us. Do we need to honestly ask ourselves whether this is starting off on the best foot? Whose needs are we talking about here? Ours or the baby’s? I would humbly suggest that we need to look at what needs to we have and make sure they are satisfactorily met before we get to think that we are capable of meeting the needs of a baby.

Let's look at another question. Not ‘what,’ as we began to discuss above, but ‘who’ does a baby need to be able to provided the best? Is one parent enough? Are two parents better? Nowadays, the question also arises, are two parents of the same gender good enough?

Should we stop there? What about grandparents? Uncles? Aunts? Cousins? Even great grandparents. We have all heard the phrase, "it takes a village to raise a child." Do you believe that? Are you in such a village? Or do you believe you are quite capable of raising a child on your own? What about support beyond yourself and your partner, if you have one? Even more important, if you do not have a partner and are still considering motherhood. Do you have parent(s) or other relatives who can be counted on for support? What about friends? Are you part a reliable social circle in your community, even in your church?

Are you thinking about taking pre-natal classes? Indeed, do you have a Family Physician to help you get started on this journey in the right way? Or are you thinking about using the services of the midwife? If so, will you still have a physician as a backup? Not everyone needs a specialist though. Are you prepared to accept the help a Community Health Nurse could provide?

Others of you are coming at this from a different angle yet. If you are a woman, you might be thinking, "I am getting into my 30s; if I am going to have a child, that is as healthy as possible, and raise him when I am most capable of, I had better start now." Again I ask, are you prepared and confident to do this on your own? Just decades ago, that would have been unthinkable. However, now we have the means of having a child without being in relationship with a father, thanks to artificial insemination and in vitro fertilization. Indeed, if you can't or don't want to go through the whole process of pregnancy and delivery yourself, you can have your egg, fertilized by one of these methods, implanted in someone else's womb or uterus and have them bear the child as a surrogate mother. The options are so much more broad than they were a couple of generations ago.

Or are you saying this because you have a partner? You may or may not be in a traditional marriage. However, you feel that you are in a relationship that has reached a point where it is time to think about having a child. But have you really discussed this with your partner? Does he or she share those thoughts? What anxieties might you have? What anxieties might they have?

What other factors do you have to consider? Do you have the financial means to add another person to your life? Do you live in a place where there is room for a baby? If you are not living in a single-family dwelling, are families allowed in your building? Are you living with your parents, or the parents of your partner? Are they going to be prepared to have a baby in the home? Or will that mean having to plan for moving out with all that that entails?

If you are working, how will that affect your pregnancy? Does your employer cover you for any "sick time" that might occur because of your pregnancy or do you have private insurance that could cover that? Will you be able to take maternity leave, and how much, if you can? Can you afford to take some time off at the beginning of being a parent even without paid maternity leave?

What about your health or that of the baby's father? Is there anything in your own health or in your family history that you might want to know about in making plans in this area? Are there some conditions that could be passed on genetically? Is there anything in your health history that might preclude you from being a mother?

And if there is something genetic that does not have a good prognosis, that would not bode well for the future of a child, are you prepared to bring such a child into the world? What are your beliefs about life? What degree of testing are you willing to consider to find out what kind of a baby you're going to have? Ultrasound? X-rays? Scans? Amniocentesis, which involves inserting a large needle into your uterus to withdraw fluid and cells for testing?

Are you prepared to consider termination of pregnancy if it is learned that the child developing within you is affected in some way that means it will not have what some would consider a meaningful life? Or does it depend on the situation is? Would you, for example, have a child with Down's Syndrome, but draw the line at anencephaly, a child with no brain, or at least a very limited one? Or is all of life sacred for you, from conception to death?

This last paragraph dealt with biological or physical concerns that can lead to ethical questions. But what are you bringing to this arena of parenthood from your own personal, family and life experience background? Are there issues in your life and relationships that are unresolved? Perhaps you think you are doing all right now. However, even though you might want to be a parent, there is still a stress involved and stresses have a way of bringing up past unresolved problems and turning them into present difficulties.

How did your parents treat you? How is your partner treating you now? Do you have misgivings about how your partner has treated you in the past? Have you ever been physically, emotionally or sexually abused? Have you resolved that? Are you still in such a situation? Does it involve your partner?

What about drugs and alcohol? How do they fit into your current lifestyle? If you use so-called illicit drugs or even take medication, even if it is prescribed, or drink alcoholic beverages fairly regularly, socially, do you think having a baby calls for any changes in that area? I am sure most of you would agree that to give the baby its best chances, one should be free of all of that. Are you prepared to make that a reality before you plan to become pregnant?

Let's look back again at your partner. I did raise the issue a few paragraphs back about whether your relationship involved abusive behavior from your partner. Or, are you abusing your partner? Is your partner excessively using drugs or alcohol? Do you think any of those situations is an optimal environment into which to bring a child?

Are you and your partner prepared to make the changes in life that having a baby will necessitate? Are are either or both of you all about going out with your friends? Pursuing your sport pursuits? Spending money on your hobbies? Having a baby will call for some changes in those areas. You are not going to have the time you once had.

Well, I hope all of the above has not unnecessarily dampen your enthusiasm for having a baby. Probably one of the reasons for your thinking about having a baby is because you have seen what having a baby can do to a person's life in a positive sense. It can indeed be one of the most wonderful experiences of life! I am not trying to talk you out of it!

However, at the same time, one has to be realistic and acknowledge that in our modern, often excessively self-centered, noisy, fast-paced and technologically-oriented society, bringing a child into the world is not is easy in some ways as it was. Some may hesitate because of concerns about where the world and the environment are heading. I really don't think most of us are in an acute situation now that should cause us to forestall fulfilling these dreams. It is obviously different if you are reading this on the run in some war zone, but that is not very likely. Then it would naturally be better to postpone any such thoughts. 

On the other hand, because of the availability of good water, nutrition and health care services for most of us, and the fact that I expect most of my readers are living in our relatively peaceful and stable developed, Western environment, the North versus the South, the possibilities of having a healthy and happy child have never been better. The questions that I raised don't all have to be answered before you embark on this path. Some of them can be addressed along the way. So, if after considering the above, you feel you are ready, perhaps even more confident, go for it! See you after you are pregnant!